Thought and Doubts.~

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Thoughts, personal conclusions, doubts...

Birthday

March 26, 2016 11:03PM, 0 comments

Three days ago was my birthday, that's right, now I'm 23.

A few weeks I decided that I was not going to celebrate it. All my family was against it, but I had my reasons, I talked it with my mom and she understood and made everyone to accept my choice.

Even a day before my birthday, I didn't know what I was going to do.

It was around 00:07 when I decided that I was going to do all the simple things that makes me happy.

After that, I prayed.

It was a short but deep talk with God, I finished my prayers crying and after that calmness came to me.

I watched some cartoons, I read a book and went to bed.

I woke up early in the morning, went to buy some pies and had breakfast with my grandma.

(she was the one who wanted me the most to celebrate my birthday)

We watched tv together, we had lunch and I left.

I came home took a lovely nap, took a nice shower and I painted mandalas.

For the end of the day I decided I wanted to do something new, so I bought sushi!

Some of it was good, some of it wasnt.

Anyway!

I realized that having a nice birthday is not necessarily having a big party or great dinner, is just doing what you want to do!

I know, I didn't dicover America, but I felt so calm that night when I went to bed that I'm quite sure I will do something like this again.

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Like a Mom

February 20, 2016 05:02PM, 0 comments

So... today I took my dog to the vet to get surgery so she won't be able to have more puppies in the future...

I left her around 9 am, now is  around 2 pm and she's already home.

When I picked her up, my heart was broken.

She was super sedated and really scared.

Shaking isn't enough to decribe it.

My dog isn't a scary dog, but she isn't a brave dog either.

I took her home, now she's lying beside me, and my cousins helped me out to bring her upstairs.

I was left alone with her and I cried...

Yeap.

Watching her in this state made me vulnerable, I texted my mom and she said:

" Is for everyone's good and specially for hers ❤ "

I told her that my heart was broken and that I was crying to watch her in pain and she answered:

" Well, my lil' girl, yo have to be close to her... That's what is like to be a lil' mom and you are proving to be a good one!❤ "

I thought about that. She's just my dog, she's my first big responsabilty, her life is literally in my hands, and even if she's in real pain right now (she can't even move) she will be really healthy in the future.

I thought about being a mom and having a child, healthy or unhealthy, is yours and you have to love him and take care of him o she with your life.

I thought about teenage moms and moms who had unhealthy babies, and all the suffering they go through everyday.

There's also happiness, of course!

But today, just with this simple act of responsabilty, I get to see things differently.

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Getting Lost

February 07, 2016 01:02AM, 2 comments

Hey everybody! 

Guess who's back? Not really, I hope I can upload this more oftenly...

Anyway, I got lost... again.

Yeah...

Believe it or not, all those days I was gone I continuously kept thinking what could I upload here, but nothing came to my mind...

I thouhgt I was lost in my life again, but I realized I was lost in myself.

I started to write, a lot. I wrote and uploaded a lot of my stories to the internet and got recognition about it.

I traveled, I kept being single, I excersi, I graduated, I went back home, met up with friends, and still didn't feel that something was happening in my life.

I had an introspection time. It was painful, hard but necessary.

And here I am again, with no new year resolutions trying to move forward.

I'm a different version of me, not a new one, not an old one; and even 2016 already has started I still don't know what I'm going to do.

I have plans. I'm gonna learn how to drive, keep studying, try to find a job...

But then what?

Lost again.

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Letting Him Go...

May 05, 2014 04:05PM, 0 comments

Last week I couldn't write beacuse of  my feelings...

I was blocked.

Love is hard. I've already said it. But I forgot how hard it really is...

I have to let him go. I couldn't do it, because every guy I met these days made me feel guilty. 

How could I meet someone new when I still have feelings for someone else?

Today I got a text, it began with "Hi pretty...". It wasn't him.

I have this lovely things from other people that are not him.

I had to let him go, but I just couldn't...

So I did what I haven't done in a few years.

I sat down on the floor...and I cried.

Relief came to me. I'm not sure how this is going to continue...

I just hope the next person I love, loves me back.

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Priorities

April 30, 2014 01:04PM, 0 comments

To a logical person like me, priorities and organization comes in one package.

Is time to let feelings and doubts out the door.

Organization, from now on I only have a brain, not a heart.

Two voices inside me won't help today.

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Confusion.

April 19, 2014 02:04AM, 0 comments

My feelings have been twisted over and over...

Just the idea of confusion brings me more confusion!

I used to be this organized, logical, reasonable person with my feelings. And now I'm a mess...

Does he even worth it?

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Last Night Conversation.~

March 13, 2014 12:03PM, 0 comments

-Have you ever made love?

-I think I did...

-Awww!

-Don't laugh!

...Have you?

-I think I have sex, not make love...

-Even if you had a boyfriend?

-How do you know is 'making love' is he or she is not your real love?

....I think the day I meet the love of my life I will make love, but until then how do you know you are truly 'making love'?

The people you've 'made love' with is only the closest thing to love, but not real love...people get confuse with having sex with passion or kindness and tenderness.

Maybe the day I find the love of my life I would realize whit who I've made love.

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Old Memories...

March 09, 2014 01:03AM, 0 comments

I remember one time I was scared, I looked at him and I knew he was in control.

Just like a shield, nothing would hurt me.

I was shaking like leaf. It only took him one look and a hug to calm me down.

...

Then I remembered the day I met him.

Like I knew him since I was born, or from other life.

He was my first love. I was his first love.

He was 17, I was 14...but it worked.

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The First Time...

February 26, 2014 11:02PM, 0 comments

He's been my first time in a lot of things...

But I never thought this would happen to me...

I met (let's call him) Chris more than a year ago at a club, a week after I broke up with my boyfriend. He asked to me dance and while we were dancing he said: 'I know you!'

I started to look at him with different eyes. He's nothing like other guys. He's shy, reservated, a lil' bit dumm, focused, smart, lazy and funny.

He was the first time I had sex with someone who wasn't my boyfriend...

I fell in love...

But I love him in a different way, it's a more deep, calm, sincere love. The kind of love I never felt before...

He also is the fisrt time a guy says no to me for a relationship and then comes back saying he misses me...

Love is hard, Sex is easy.

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